February 21st 2017
It's 5 am, David, my husband lays by my side in a reclining chair. We have been woken up several times through the night for pain meds, temperature-takes and what had become the most excruciatingly painful event... the pee. We are now on our way to pre-op for the reconstruction of my lower right leg. I am placed in a room with the red eye scrub shift. The room is quiet, I can hear the fabric rubbing against itself between the legs of the scrubs as they walk by... It's very calm and David is requested to say goodbye. I watch him leave or so I think I did... I always thought that was an important time to remember, that time right before a surgery but honestly, I don't remember saying goodbye. I lay quietly in a drug induced patience.
I have no recollection of anything after that or post surgery. I remember seeing faces as I approached my room, I saw flowers and a blue gnome. I am transferred to my bed, my leg is elevated and my body is numb. Lots of commotion around the room, lots of questions, and big shiny eyes. I tried to lay back, dizziness ensues and my world seems to be turned around. A pause of deep breath and a pain comes trickleling in. An ache, a sharp stabbing, throbbing, burning, intense feeling of emotion. The worst pain I have ever felt in my life... In my journal I scribbled... "I want to die" , the pain was so bad. I thought to myself, people can't actually endure such pain? This is insanity, pain is this worst thing in the world, I never want anyone to feel this way, no-one should ever have to go through this!...people go through this? What is happening?? My nurse took my hand, turned my palm down and placed a syringe of morphine into my IV. A wave of warmth begun to cushion my body, I looked down at my hospital wrist band..."Doe Harlem" it said. I giggled.. cool.