Home is where the healing begins... and also, the losing of the mind... part 1

March 4th 2017,

Days after the incident, I have made a comfy indentation on the sofa chaise lounge where I sit and sleep. My t.v. shows are in the queue, books rest along with painkilling drugs, face cleansing wipes (very handy) and tissues for the occasional metal breakdown. The up and down ride has begun. The "why did this happen?" the "what did I do?" and "I'm a good person right??". The question of Karma, the Universe, and even God. The support reminding me to be grateful I'm alive, the comments of, "at least you didn't...", or my favorite, "you must be here for a really good reason." Now I understand this was a crazy upset in normalcy for the average person, "average" meaning the person who has never experienced a near death experience. What do you say to someone?

The mind begins to take a strange turn. First, you don't remember the pain, the mind won't let you. There will be blips of images or sounds or places but nothing comes together in a neatly packaged timeline of events. The events you see are vivid with heavy emotion, but not physical pain and the whole time I moved from the concrete to hospital bed I never once thought I was going to die. I thought this is strange and even a few giggles here and there of how fucking crazy this is or the opposite, that it's not a big deal, I'm going to be fine. It's like hope never leaves the psyche and your will is strong at every moment. Now remember I am just speaking from MY experience.

But then the question of why begins to seep in as I begin to ween off the intense pain killers and everyday becomes a little less viscous. Why did this happen? There seems to be no why...Why do things happen?? We try to make reasons so the situation has purpose right?? Cause without it, what the hell, man?? Why do people get injured or killed from all sorts of craziness? Whydo I need to feel grateful? Why, (as I said, my favorite) now must I really be here for a good reason?? What of all those who miss out, who perish? Were they not? This is where I lose my mind. The healing in the body has begun and the mind I am slowly losing. Where do I look for the answers? Has all I thought and believed this far been wrong? The questions linger... to be continued...